“Kalau nggak bisa cerita ke siapa pun, ditulis aja ya, Mbak..”
Begitu pesan Papa suatu sore ketika kami sedang telponan. Kuakui, aku ini egonya tinggi sekali. Sudah egonya tinggi, orangnya gampang mikir pula. Tiap ada masalah, aku cuma bisa cerita blak-blakan ke dua orang, Papa dan Mbakku. Kedua orang tersebut merupakan orang yang paling kupercaya karena ya memang mereka terikat hubungan darah denganku, dari kecil sudah paham watak dan karakterku seperti apa. Selain mereka, aku ya cerita sih ke beberapa orang. Tapi filternya udah kayak mesin hemodialisis; berlapis-lapis sampai kadang yang sebenarnya jadi pokok permasalahanku malah nggak bisa dilontarkan. Alhasil ya sama aja, tetep overthinking.
Sebenarnya, buat nulis aja aku juga mikir banget, ya iyalah dibagikan ke dunia dimana semua orang bisa baca tulisanku bikin aku belajar memilah dan memilih apa yang harus dibagikan. Beberapa bulan ini bahkan aku nggak nulis apapun, terlepas dari banyaknya ide atau imajinasi yang lari-lari di otakku. Tapi setelah sore itu, akhirnya hari ini aku memutuskan buat nulis. Iya, nulis karena aku punya masalah.
Aku selalu berpikir, tidak bijak membagikan masalah di dunia maya. Tapi setelah Papaku bilang gitu, aku jadi mikir ulang. Aku sampai pada sebuah kesimpulan bahwa nggak apa-apa, coping mechanism orang berbeda-beda. Lha orang yang nggak bisa dengan mudah cerita, gimana caranya supaya bisa meredam stresnya? Hanya saja, jangan sampai dengan menulis di dunia maya, masalah kita di dunia nyata jadi bertambah. Coping mechanism should make us feel better, not worsening the situation. Jadi kalau mau cerita, nggak apa-apa cerita. Carilah orang yang benar-benar dipercaya, yang lapang dada mendengar keluh kesah. Kalau nggak bisa, ditulis aja. Boleh di platform manapun, yang bikin nyaman, yang benar-benar bisa meredam stres. Atau boleh di buku harian, di sticky notes, di halaman belakang textbook, dilembar manapun yang disuka
Jadi dewasa itu bukannya bebas terhindar dari masalah, tapi belajar mengendalikan masalah. Belajar gimana supaya masalah itu nggak membuat terpuruk terus-menerus, tapi juga memacu buat mencari jalan keluar. Nggak mudah, tapi bukan berarti nggak bisa. Nggak cepat, tapi bukan berarti nggak mungkin. Kalau bukan karena Papa suruh nulis, mungkin sampai akhir tahun blog ini nggak ada postingan baru. Ternyata karena ada masalah, aku jadi blogging lagi. Isn’t it good, actually, that I start using my brain again to write? 😀


Between the bars

there is this song I like that talks about the love of an alcohol bottle to an alcoholic person. drink up, baby, stay up all night, with the things you could do, you won’t but you might, it said, the potential you’ll be, that you’ll never see, promises you’ll only make. imagine how lonely it might feel for the person, not knowing will she ever make it or not, sitting on a cold seat at the bar with low lighting. the bottle, on the other hand, knew she had everything she needs, that she definitely will make it. people you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore, that push and shove and won’t bend to your will, I’ll keep them still, it promised. and that’s how she loved the only thing which understand her, the alcohol bottle, promising her to be okay, and drive them away, the images stuck in your headI’ll kiss you again, between the bars, there, there is where they will be forever.
so where have the people gone? people she loved? people who loved her?
no one knows, it is the bottle again and her and their love to each other. what to say? it stays there, it stays when people don’t. it cares when people left.
for the happiness, it thinks, for her happiness to lingers when nothing else can. between the bars it will find her. drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days, do what I say.

How Little is a Little

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
Anne Frank

I once read over a platform that said making Kartini as a noblewoman who fought for gender equality is not too much like a lot of people think, although there are many other women who build schools for women etc, because Kartini is the representative that even in the hardest situation where we cannot do anything, having the slightest spirit matters, thinking and writing are also counted as a fight. I haven’t read Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang yet, but I read A Diary of A Young Girl which has the same spirit as it is. Anne Frank, trapped in attic for years when the world was in chaos, chose to read and write as her alter ego. She wrote about the smallest event, her deepest secret and protest, her thoughts toward anything. Just like Kartini, Anne chose to fight with her mind, picking up pens and wrote everything down.

Both Kartini and Anne wouldn’t know if one day their name would be phenomenal. Kartini wouldn’t know (although she wished) that Indonesia would allow women to go to school, to work, to pursue what they want to do. Anne wouldn’t expect that her teenage diary filled with random things would reach the heart of thousand people thanking her for reminding what war brings. Anne wouldn’t even think of her diary to be read by a 19 years old (who is now 21), dozen years after her last time writing, and made that girl feels less alone on her breakdown moment and thought that people grow, mentally, and that’s a hope.

Me, and all of you mostly, wouldn’t know that maybe one thing we’ve done in the past would be really impactful for some people. Who knows? even exchanged letters from Kartini could make me and hundreds of women goes to medical school, joining organizations we want. Even diary of a mere Jewish girl could wake the world up of how horrible they are and become less barbaric. So who knows if one smile from me (or you) maybe give a 10 years old boy we met randomly after school spirit to have the same dream we live? Who knows if one critical thought I (or you) accidentally murmured can change someone’s way of thinking?

Kartini has no idea, and so was Anne, and maybe so are me and you.

How little is a little, then, if everything we does might actually make changes?

Of Anything Unbearable

By the time I write this, I’ve been spending quite some times to cry. And it is just the 5th day of Syawal. Shouldn’t I be happy that I’ve finally met the month of winning? Truth is, I was not. I am repeatedly thinking about one question.
Why do some things are unbearable?
Just as much as I try to think that He won’t give us burdens we cannot withstand, I, as human as I ever be, succumbed by things around me. Yes, the burdens aren’t mine, but why do I feel like I am the one who suffer?
I was spending 2 days with my great grandmother, she was brought to my house because my sister was getting engaged, and my grandmother cannot just leave my great grandmother at home alone. I rarely go home, so it is more rare to go to her house, maybe twice in six months? I don’t know, in short, I rarely met my great grandmother (and when I met her I usually just play with my phone). When she was at my home, and I got nothing to do, I tried to approach her. In her 90s I understand if she has lost a lot of her memories and she rarely remember recent things. I learned about geriatric, that’s why I was so chill when she became really annoying. Everyone was so done of her, but I was not. I can understand them because everyone meet her almost everyday while I just meet her in special occasions.
I tried to play with her once, I took my sister’s doll and give it to my great grandmother. Her respond was so hilarious I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. From that moment, I  thought I knew how to handle her chatty character. I kept coming to her and asked her things, although sometimes her answers were weirds, most of the times she answered me well. She asked me to peel off foods, and said thank you afterwards. Oh, she never forget saying thank you, not even once. She never forget to pray before she eats too. When my sister and her fiance was going to took her back to my grandmother’s house, I asked to join. I talked with my grandmother throughout the trip, and my great grandmother surprisingly massage my leg until we reached the destination, she even joined the conversations too and laugh when I made jokes. At her house, my grandmother, my sister, and her fiance talked in guest room while I took my great grandmother to her room. She wanted to pee, and I took her to bathroom when she suddenly peed herself right in front of the bathroom door. I panicked, of course, and called my grandmother. She came right away and wiped the mess. Know why I understand when everyone (my grandmother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins) was so done with my great grandmother? because I know this was what they faced everyday. They live near each other, and I do not blame them for being tired of taking care of my great grandmother, I know how exhausting it is. I took my great grandmother to her room again to change clothes. We then sat on the chairs in front of her room, while she chewed on breads and sipped her tea. She gave me some, but I said no. I asked her things, and she would answered.
At that moment, something hit me. I will go much more annoying than I am now, and people will throw me away much further than they ever done before. People cannot understand her; my great grandmother, neither they will to me. I suddenly felt so lonely in my heart, I saw people laughing in the guest room, and I took a glimpse to my great grandmother, focused on feeding herself, alone in her mind with no one understood her, and left her. She is not at fault, at all, neither are my other family who take care of her. Getting older is normal, so is getting tired. I just.. I cannot imagine what my great grandmother is feeling. How is that feel to have no one understands what you are saying, to have everyone getting mad at your behaviour, to have everyone chooses leaving you alone and have some fun because you definitely far away from the word amusing? How is that feel to go on living, and feel lonely until you meet the death? How could we, human beings, bear that much of torment?
I feel sad for myself, for everyone in this world who one day will be old enough to be left. I keep saying to myself, we were born alone, we will die alone. But to die alone and feel lonely, isn’t that too much?
I hope from now on when we wish for people to have a long live, we know the consequences and take a very serious note of it.


Ramadan Day 10-18: Ayam Barbekyu


Benar-benar aku tuh bilang nulis setiap hari tapi realisasinya seminggu sekali. Arrgghh maafkan aku T^T Okelah nggak apa-apa. Oh iya, sudah pada tahu belum ada insiden penembakan seorang paramedis Palestina oleh tentara Israel? Ya Allaah, sedih aku bacanya. Paramedis tersebut masih berusia 20-an, sama kayak aku, tapi dia sudah seberani itu maju ke garis terdepan menyelamatkan nyawa orang. Aku nggak mau membandingkan diriku sendiri, ofkors kapasitasku dan dia sangat berbeda. Tapi aku mau mengingatkan diriku dan kalian yang kebetulan baca ini, keberanian itu diusahakan, kebaikan itu dipaksakan. Kenapa? Kita nggak terlahir suci tanpa keinginan jahat, kita lahir dengan nafsu, itulah kenapa dalam Islam pun kita kenal yang namanya repent, memohon ampun, karena sebaik-baiknya kita, pasti ada celah buat kejahatan untuk terlaksana. Kita harus memaksa diri, supaya kebaikan kita nggak ditikung nafsu. Huhu.

Oiya, bicara tentang hal tersebut, ada yang pengen aku tulis sebenernya sejak lama. Aku tuh tipikal orang yang menggebu-nggebu (diawal doang, haha) dan cepet sedih kalau nggak mendapatkan sesuatu, kayak kecewanya lamaaaa banget gitu. Hih, suka kurang ikhlas emang anaknya. Pengen berbuat sesuatu tapi tidak diimbangi rasa mawas diri. Tiap baca tentang kisah orang yang sudah menemukan ini itu, melakukan ini itu, sering terlintas di benakku, “kamu kapan heeey?” nggak apa-apa, motivasi itu. Tapi kalau udah bikin pundung ya jatuhnya jelek juga. Sekarang udah agak mendingan nggak ambisi banget kayak dulu. Ada satu hal yang bikin aku sadar. Kebaikan nggak melulu nemu sesuatu. Mengikuti sesuatu juga kebaikan. Kita harusnya meluangkan fokus juga ke mengikuti sesuatu yang baik yang sudah ditemukan. Misal nih, ada yang bikin gerakan tumpuk di tengah, kan prestasi tuh menggalakkan kampanye seperti itu, ya kita mengikuti kampanye tersebut sudah termasuk kebaikkan kok. Misal ada sociopreneur yang menggagas platform yang memudahkan kita saling tolong menolong, dengan menggunakan platform tersebut kita juga sudah melakukan kebaikan. Jadi nggak usah sedih-sedih amat dengan hidup yang dirasa belum melakukan apapun. Dengan mengikuti kebaikan-kebaikan yang sudah digagas itu kita sebenarnya turut berkontribusi, kok.

Oke gitu dulu deh, yuk bersama-sama mengikuti kebaikan, bukan berarti kita menyerah untuk menjadi penggagas ya, nggak gitu juga, tapi kita paham porsi masing-masing. Bukan berarti tidak punya pencapaian itu benar-benar “tidak punya pencapaian”. Mungkin kita yang kurang menghargai setiap hal yang diri kita lakukan juga. Hehe. Semangat menjelang puasa hari ke-19!

P.S beberapa hari buka puasa menunya ayam mulu, ayam kecap ayam teriyaki ayam barbekyu, membuatku berniat hari ini buka menu anak ayam aja. Telur maksudnya((:



Ramadan Day 9: Sayur Asem


Hari ini aku buka puasa pakai sayur asem. Buka puasa nggak harus sama yang manis kalau aku mah, yang penting seger. Tapi ada yang aneh sama sayur asem Jember (yha ketahuan nggak masak sendiri malah beli hehe), masa ya sayur asemnya dikasih wortel. Hah. wortel gitu loh. Menambah panjang daftar makanan Jember yang dimasukin hal aneh (urutan pertama tetep soto yang dicemplungin tomat, wah ini sik benar-benar).

Eh tapi tahu nggak waktu aku komplain ke teman-teman, ternyata emang gitu loh sayur asem disini dan beberapa kota lainnya. Malah ada yang absurd lagi dicemplungin apa aja dah yang penting rasanya asem. Hm. Sebagai manusia legowo yang bisa menelan makanan apapun (kecuali asem banget atau pahit banget atau pedes banget), ya kumakan aja sayur asemnya. Tapi tetep, sayur asem Banyuwangi is the best.

Tahukah kalian, ternyata aku punya koneksi luar biasa sama makanan asal daerahku, sehingga makanan lain itu seperti punya dosa-dosa kecil yang bikin mereka tidak sempurna. “Jelas lah tomat itu haram hukumnya kalau dicemplungin ke dalam soto! Pelecehan terhadap soto itu namanya!” dan lain sebagainya. Bagiku soto sudah ada resep saklek yang tidak boleh diubah lagi, kalau diubah akan melanggar hak-hakku sebagai pemakan soto.

Ya, ini namanya entitlement. Sesuatu yang lagi kufikirkan hari ini karena kasus Bumi Manusia yang akan dijadikan film dan sederet kontroversi penyertanya.

Entitlement kalau hasil browsing di internet artinya the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment. Entitlement ini banyak dimiliki manusia (dan tidak pada tempatnya), termasuk aku terhadap soto. Termasuk pembaca terhadap buku. Termasuk penikmat film terhadap film. Termasuk fangirl terhadap idol. Termasuk kalian terhadap orang yang ditaksir tapi nggak paham kalau lagi ditaksir (hihi). Manusia-manusia ini merasa punya hak atas sesuatu yang mereka sukai hanya karena mereka suka hal tersebut. Padahal, the problem is, lah lau sokap?

Siapalah aku bagi soto dibanding penikmat soto lain?
Siapalah seorang pembaca terhadap buku dibanding pembaca yang lain?

Entitlement ini membuat kita merasa spesial. “Woy, Bumi Manusia jangan di filmkan gitu aja dong ini namanya penghinaan terhadap Pram, sutradaranya udah baca bukunya belum sih? pemainnya udah baca bukunya belum sih?” Atau, “Ini nih jeleknya manga yang dijadikan anime! nggak lengkap!” Atau, “Temenku tuh nggak ngajak aku jalan padahal dia ngajak orang lain, kalau ada temen baru aja, temen lama dibuang!”

Come to think of it, we are all special, but not to the point we limit everything so it becomes about ourselves. Jadi begini, film Bumi Manusia tidak akan merusak sedikitpun isi bukunya. Tidak. Bumi Manusia will always be that legendary book. If the film turns out to be shitty, well, it’s the film. It’s never Pram’s writings that is shitty. It will never represent Pram’s writing. Hanya karena manganya membuat kita gelosoran karena bagus banget, bukan berarti animenya nggak harus dibuat karena takut mengecewakan. Peeps, stick with your mangas if you like it that much, no one asks you to watch anything based on it. Teman kita bukan hak milik kita, ya kalau dia mau main sama orang Belanda, orang Irlandia, atau yang lain tanpa ngajak kita, ya udah, ya nggak apa-apa, ya emang kenapa. They are never entitled to us. Befriend them because we like them, not because we think they are our friends so they should be with us no matter what.

Kebiasaan emang kalau udah suka sesuatu ngerasa kita aja yang berhak. “Oh ya? Ngefans BTS? Pasti karbit, aku dong sudah ngefans sebelum pre-debut.” Hm? “Ih suka bola biar apa? biar keren ya? karbit ih! aku dong udah suka sejak dalam kandungan!” Hm?

Our likings shouldn’t limit them only for us. They weren’t specially ours in the first place. Let people have experience things from them too. Let them give different feelings for people too.

Jadi gitu ya. Aku suka soto tanpa tomat, tapi aku nggak berhak menghardik orang-orang yang nyemplungin tomat ke dalam soto hanya karena aku suka soto. Aku tuh bukan siapa-siapa bagi soto (hiks). Begitu halnya kita dengan hal-hal lain yang kita sukai. Let’s put down the entitlement for awhile. What’s special about the things we like, let’s stick to it, let’s not intervene with their “duties” to other people.

Selamat menjalani ibadah puasa hari ke-10 besok! (udah masuk hari ini sih tapi nggak apa-apa plis) (:

P.S judulnya sayur asem tapi yang dibahas soto tandanya besok harus buka puasa pakai soto.

Ramadan Day 2-8: Bubur Mutiara


Ketahuan banget orangnya suka nggak menepati janji, baru hari pertama bilang posting tiap hari, eh hari kedua sampai kedelapan malah nggak nulis apapun. iya, iya, aku salah):

Sebenernya aku mau bilang sibuk, tapi, duh, sibuknya seorang Deuxy itu apa sih, mikir cari duit enggak, apalagi mikir negara. Cuma waktu sampai kos tiba-tiba udah rebahan di atas kasur terus tidur, jadi nggak bisa nulis. Hehe.

Hari ini aku mau ngomongin tentang janji, deh. that one thing people easily forget. Pernah nggak waktu dapat nilai jelek terus dalam hati ngomong, “besok-besok aku mau belajar lebih giat lagi”? Gimana? Sudah terlaksana? Kalau sudah, alhamdulillaah. Kalau belum, ya samaaa. Itu janji sama diri sendiri, lho. Janji sama orang lain gimana? “Iya aku janji nggak gampang marah lagi”, “iya aku janji bakal dengerin setiap kamu sedih”, “iya aku janji bakal support kamu terus”. Well, what about those things we’ve said that bring people’s hope up? Sudah terlaksana semua?

Ternyata nggak mudah ya menepati semua janji. Ternyata emang melakukan nggak semudah mengatakan. Tapi, apa itu berarti kita nggak boleh berjanji?

Oh, ya tentu boleh. Tapi janjinya diganti sama “berusaha”. Karena toh, nyatanya manusia nggak sekuat itu mengingat semua janjinya, apalagi menepati. Karena nyatanya, kadang kita juga mencari alasan supaya nggak usah memenuhi janji tersebut. Sometimes we forget, sometimes we just want to forget. Apakah sebuah kondisi merubah janji? No. Lain halnya kalau kita mengucapkan “berusaha”. “iya aku akan berusaha nggak gampang marah lagi”, “iya aku akan berusaha dengerin setiap kamu sedih”, “iya aku akan berusaha support kamu terus.” There will be times when a condition stops you from trying, but at least you tried. Tapi kita sudah berusaha. Tapi orang lain sudah tahu kita berusaha. Nggak ada harapan terlalu muluk bagi mereka, bahkan ketika kita nggak melakukan pun mereka akan tahu, “Oh, usahanya hanya segitu.” There will be scars, of course, but no wasted hopes.

Jadi, selamat berusaha(:

P.S Bubur mutiara enak banget loh apalagi dibikinin (apalagi nggak usah cuci mangkuk habis makan)