By the time I write this, I’ve been spending quite some times to cry. And it is just the 5th day of Syawal. Shouldn’t I be happy that I’ve finally met the month of winning? Truth is, I was not. I am repeatedly thinking about one question.
Why do some things are unbearable?
Just as much as I try to think that He won’t give us burdens we cannot withstand, I, as human as I ever be, succumbed by things around me. Yes, the burdens aren’t mine, but why do I feel like I am the one who suffer?
I was spending 2 days with my great grandmother, she was brought to my house because my sister was getting engaged, and my grandmother cannot just leave my great grandmother at home alone. I rarely go home, so it is more rare to go to her house, maybe twice in six months? I don’t know, in short, I rarely met my great grandmother (and when I met her I usually just play with my phone). When she was at my home, and I got nothing to do, I tried to approach her. In her 90s I understand if she has lost a lot of her memories and she rarely remember recent things. I learned about geriatric, that’s why I was so chill when she became really annoying. Everyone was so done of her, but I was not. I can understand them because everyone meet her almost everyday while I just meet her in special occasions.
I tried to play with her once, I took my sister’s doll and give it to my great grandmother. Her respond was so hilarious I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. From that moment, I thought I knew how to handle her chatty character. I kept coming to her and asked her things, although sometimes her answers were weirds, most of the times she answered me well. She asked me to peel off foods, and said thank you afterwards. Oh, she never forget saying thank you, not even once. She never forget to pray before she eats too. When my sister and her fiance was going to took her back to my grandmother’s house, I asked to join. I talked with my grandmother throughout the trip, and my great grandmother surprisingly massage my leg until we reached the destination, she even joined the conversations too and laugh when I made jokes. At her house, my grandmother, my sister, and her fiance talked in guest room while I took my great grandmother to her room. She wanted to pee, and I took her to bathroom when she suddenly peed herself right in front of the bathroom door. I panicked, of course, and called my grandmother. She came right away and wiped the mess. Know why I understand when everyone (my grandmother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins) was so done with my great grandmother? because I know this was what they faced everyday. They live near each other, and I do not blame them for being tired of taking care of my great grandmother, I know how exhausting it is. I took my great grandmother to her room again to change clothes. We then sat on the chairs in front of her room, while she chewed on breads and sipped her tea. She gave me some, but I said no. I asked her things, and she would answered.
At that moment, something hit me. I will go much more annoying than I am now, and people will throw me away much further than they ever done before. People cannot understand her; my great grandmother, neither they will to me. I suddenly felt so lonely in my heart, I saw people laughing in the guest room, and I took a glimpse to my great grandmother, focused on feeding herself, alone in her mind with no one understood her, and left her. She is not at fault, at all, neither are my other family who take care of her. Getting older is normal, so is getting tired. I just.. I cannot imagine what my great grandmother is feeling. How is that feel to have no one understands what you are saying, to have everyone getting mad at your behaviour, to have everyone chooses leaving you alone and have some fun because you definitely far away from the word amusing? How is that feel to go on living, and feel lonely until you meet the death? How could we, human beings, bear that much of torment?
I feel sad for myself, for everyone in this world who one day will be old enough to be left. I keep saying to myself, we were born alone, we will die alone. But to die alone and feel lonely, isn’t that too much?
I hope from now on when we wish for people to have a long live, we know the consequences and take a very serious note of it.